Wednesday, December 2, 2009

just gotta push

This has seriously been the most difficult semester of my graduate school career. Not only do I feel completely uncertain about myself as as a smart, worthwhile individual, but this is also becoming paired with irrational paranoid fears about other things graduate school related.

I feel like I am being challenged in more ways than I can manage and I just hope I can get through the next eight days, go to mexico and come back refreshed for a final (I hope) semester of coursework (thesis will be completed over the summer/next fall).

Trying to remind myself that this degree will not define my life, or who I am as a person.

I have to remember that this is really a first world problem- many people do not have the opportunity to go to graduate school!

But here is the deal:

I have wanted to work in a museum since I was four. My mom took me to the National History Museum in DC and I was in awe. Later that day, I got my foot stuck in the space between the metro car and the platform and I was terrified. Luckily, I lived in DC for three years after college and got over that s^&* quick.
I've interned many places and even was a full-time-with-benefits-real-life-working-in-a-museum/arts institution professional in DC, for two years after college. But something was lacking. I loved my coworkers, the institution, but I felt like I wasn't able to use my creative juices- so back I went to graduate school to get a masters.
While I love my program, professors and classmates dearly, there have been many things this semester that make me question my self worth and which have resulted in me questioning this decision, this degree, this career choice.
I think I miss working in a museum. Academia where your actions, words and writing is under so much scrutiny really stresses me out. I like working with people, in groups, I like helping people, I like being creative. I miss that atmosphere- I crave that atmosphere - it is my primary hope and intention that I find that environment again- once I complete this degree.

Okay enough first world problems.

One more thing. This Sylvia Plath quote is beginning to mean lots to me:

"I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am."

1 comment:

Julia (Color Me Green) said...

personally i could never go back to grad school because of how i crumble under the pressure of paper writing. but i hope you are learning things that will help you achieve an even better museum job when you get out, to make this hard time worth it!