just gotta push

This has seriously been the most difficult semester of my graduate school career. Not only do I feel completely uncertain about myself as as a smart, worthwhile individual, but this is also becoming paired with irrational paranoid fears about other things graduate school related.

I feel like I am being challenged in more ways than I can manage and I just hope I can get through the next eight days, go to mexico and come back refreshed for a final (I hope) semester of coursework (thesis will be completed over the summer/next fall).

Trying to remind myself that this degree will not define my life, or who I am as a person.

I have to remember that this is really a first world problem- many people do not have the opportunity to go to graduate school!

But here is the deal:

I have wanted to work in a museum since I was four. My mom took me to the National History Museum in DC and I was in awe. Later that day, I got my foot stuck in the space between the metro car and the platform and I was terrified. Luckily, I lived in DC for three years after college and got over that s^&* quick.

I've interned many places and even was a full-time-with-benefits-real-life-working-in-a-museum/arts institution professional in DC, for two years after college. But something was lacking. I loved my coworkers, the institution, but I felt like I wasn't able to use my creative juices- so back I went to graduate school to get a masters.

While I love my program, professors and classmates dearly, there have been many things this semester that make me question my self worth and which have resulted in me questioning this decision, this degree, this career choice.

I think I miss working in a museum. Academia where your actions, words and writing is under so much scrutiny really stresses me out. I like working with people, in groups, I like helping people, I like being creative. I miss that atmosphere- I crave that atmosphere - it is my primary hope and intention that I find that environment again- once I complete this degree.

Okay enough first world problems.

One more thing. This Sylvia Plath quote is beginning to mean lots to me:

"I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am."

calming down

Because Ashley from Izzy and the Bean is so sweet and understanding. We decided to reorder half of the invites that are going to family and family friends etc and keep the rest to send out to our friends. Ashley was super sweet about it and informed me that she made a similar mistake during her wedding. It made me feel so much better.

Thank you friends and blog friends for your sweet, sweet comments

If you'd like to see our invites click here. I am totally in love with the design:)

Also we got ties for a super affordable price for our boys (ie groomsmen) Because my camera is broken and Jon's is lost in the mess that is our apartment you will have to get the idea from my fuzzy mac book pictures :)

flowers in her hair

I had a really bad prom experience in high school. I mean really bad. I left the salon looking like a cross between a poodle and a punk rocker, It was awful. Too much curling, teasing and hair spray! I have never, ever had my hair done since. And while Allie makes the good point that this was over 8 years ago and this is something I should really consider moving past, the fear is still there.

This may change. I need ideas for the wedding. My hair is super duper thin, I mean really thin, and while I can and have styled it successfully for weddings and events that have occurred in the winter, spring and fall, my general hairstyle for the summer time pony tail, because really their is just no point in styling when humidity is at 100%.

So though I'd like my hair to look like this:
It just is not going to happen and stay for more that 15 minutes. Virginia summers are too hot and too humid and my hair will most likely fall during the ceremony.

So I am looking at low nape of the neck buns, something like this (but not as intricate):
I don't know if this is something I can do myself or if I will have to get it done by a hair dresser. The hair dresser I called suggested the use of extensions, which immediately brought back the experience of extreme hair curling and teasing and thus hair dresser anxiety.

Does anyone know any directions for easy up dos I could start practicing as to avoid hair stylist anxiety on the day of the wedding?


pictures from brides.com

wedding wedding!

My wedding is a little less than four months away. I am now 110% freaking out.

I brought Allie up to the farm to meet with the tenters, eat at the caterers reasturant and see what she thought and she offered so much positive feedback and had a really great outlook about everything. It made me feel so much better.

I am someone who likes to make everyone happy all the time. JM reassures me every day that the only person I need to make happy on this day is myself. I am painfully aware however, that everyone has an opinion, or an idea of what their ideal wedding is like. For some reason the 13 year old dork inside of me is frightened that EVERYONE will hate the wedding because its out in the middle of no where, in the country, in the mountains, with bugs, down a dirt road, in the summer time and oh, did I mention there would be no cell phone service..... It is not a lot of people's ideal wedding location.

However, the location is important to me and JM and my family. The wedding is occuring on property that has belonged to my great grandmother. JM has worked the land with my parents, It is the house where my cousins and I played hide and go seek, caught crawfish in the creek, where my grandmother passed away, in the garden many aunts and uncles (including my parents) began their life as a couple together. Up past the pastures is where my grandmothers ashes are scattered and the graves of civil war soldiers lie. Further into the hollow you can walk into the National Park and find what is left of the mountain community that lived in these woods until the park service forced them out. It is a beautiful, old, wise place and I could never think of having it any where else.



My goal for this wedding was to have a celebration that was as laid back as possible, but also fun to plan. Instead I have been laying awake worrying about what everyone from college friends to relatives will think of our casual but festive affair.