Wednesday, November 17, 2010

brain cleanse - early morning

This fall has been topsy turvy. Lots of challenges, lots of changes, lots of writing. There have been many happy things, but also many tears have been cried over lost opportunities, frustrating critiques and the exhaustion of never quite getting it right. Work is my solace. I love working so provides a relief from the stress of thesis....

I've been found myself thinking along the lines of "I'll be happy when...."

"I will be happy when 4am thesis revisions are not a part of my life"

"I will be happy when I can spend more time with my husband, family and friends and less time worrying about critiques, references, reviewing my writing...."

I have to admit I don't like this way of thinking...while thesis writing will one day be over (March?? gulp) there will always be challenges I face, struggles to get through-"when" will never be. Furthermore, this line of thought creates such a self absorption, with only my own life and my own tasks, it perpetuates my focus on something I have limited control over, causing me to be unable to see the world for what it really is...I don't want to be this person.

This is why a return to blogging more readily may be in order...I need a release, or a reminder. I need a place to remind myself of the little things in life that make up a whole. Because I don't want to spend my life, hiding from happiness for fear it will distract me from a 60 page manuscript (or in the future: my job, my work, my career)--I want to embrace, find beauty and capture the experiences that are the sum of the whole and make life worth living.....



ruthy ann said...

When I feel like this I find going for a walk somewhere beautiful always helps "detox" my mind.

Julia (Color Me Green) said...

yeah i'm a bit of a slump right now and i've found myself doing the "i will be happy when i move into a new place in two months and when i get a new job." say yes to the little things!